East Bay Headache Support Group Meeting
JANUARY 8, 2002

TOPIC:   “DEALING WITH FRUSTRATIONS — LET’S HEAR IT FROM BOTH SIDES" -  
Mary Waldner and Janeece Dagen, Marriage and Family Therapists

Do you ever have to miss a family or social event because of a painful headache?  Do headaches keep you from being a cheerful member of your family, able to carry your end of the give and take in a marriage/partnership?  Do your children have to play quietly while you keep to yourself in a darkened room?  Let’s face it.  Debilitating and/or frequent headaches affect more than just the person with the pain—your family or friends can get frustrated also with having to deal with your headache condition.

For the first meeting of 2002 (starting our seventh year!), the East Bay Headache Support Group invited two licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, Mary Waldner and Janeece Dagen, to facilitate a discussion between headache sufferers and their spouses/partners/caregivers.

Twenty-five headache sufferers and family members/caregivers attended the January 8, 2002 meeting, held in the Ball Auditorium at John Muir Medical Center.  After intro-ducing the two therapists, the audience was divided into two groups:  The headache sufferers moved to one corner of the room for a discussion about what it’s like to live with chronic and/or debilitating headaches, with Janeece Dagen facilitating the discussion.  And the caregivers also formed a circle in the other corner to discuss their feelings about trying to care for a loved one in pain, with Mary Waldner facilitating.

Janeece Dagen, MFT, has specialized in relationship work and trauma therapy over the past 20 years.  Her experience includes family, couples, and individual therapy with clients who present with symptoms of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, past trauma, chronic pain, life-threatening illness, work stress or substance abuse recovery.

Since earning her license 23 years ago, Mary Waldner, MFT, has worked in hospital, agency and private practice settings with adults, couples, families and teens—individually and in groups.  She has worked with issues of depression, anxiety, addiction, abuse, phobias, stepfamilies, communication difficulties, loss/grief, etc. 

The two groups each met for an hour, with Janeece and Mary taking notes of the discussions.  Then, for the last half hour of the support group meeting, we all came back together for a review. 

Janeece reported that the group of headache sufferers talked about how, for the most part, their partners were very supportive and tried to be helpful when they were incapacitated by headaches.  It was also brought up that sometimes help is needed and appreciated, but other times they just need to be by themselves until the pain and other headache symptoms subside.  Feeling guilty about disrupting family activities or cancelling activities because of headaches, or not doing their share of the work, was a common complaint.  The headache sufferers wished that their families could go on and enjoy the activities, or carry on with their daily activities, without them.

Mary said the caregivers expressed feelings of helplessness when their partners were incapacitated, and also that they don’t want the headache sufferer to feel guilty.  She said the caregivers in the group were very well-educated about migraines and other types of headaches.  Some had experienced headaches themselves so could understand some of the frustrations one has when living with a chronic painful condition.

One person in the headache sufferer group said that when she has a bad headache she  cannot even tell her partner what she needs.  Janeece suggested, on a day when she feels OK, that she and her partner work out some signals to use when she’s incapacitated, so she can tell him her needs without having to talk.

Mary reported that one of the caregivers acknowledged he gets upset when his partner doesn’t respect her headache triggers.  He gets irritated when his spouse doesn’t take care of herself and then suffers the consequences—a debilitating headache.  The caretaker group suggested that the headache sufferers take their medications right away, at the first sign of headache, rather than waiting to see how bad it will get.

In the small group discussion, Janeece asked her group of headache sufferers if they ever tried to keep their pain hidden from their partners, and most in the group said “yes.”  And then Mary reported that her group of caregivers told her they want to be told immediately when their partners have headaches, so they can go on to Plan B.  Many times the care-giver is aware his partner has a headache, even though the sufferer is trying to keep it a secret.

Both Janeece and Mary said there is helplessness expressed on both sides, and we should communicate with each other without blame.  Janeece said the best time to talk things out with your partner is when you don’t have a headache.  Both sides should try hard to not judge, or offer solutions—just to acknowledge the frustrations each is experiencing.

The intention of the East Bay Headache Support Group is to provide information and resources.  It does not provide medical advice, which should be obtained directly from a physician.